I
15
hockey ice beneath it. The moisture did not influence the outcome of the game, but
it sure gave it a surrealistic quality. Never knowing ffthe man with the ball or the
defender was about to hit the deck next added a new dimension to late night
television viewing.
Sports Orgy-Sunday
Termination of Life Forces
My mother's favorite columnist, Erma Bombeck, recently stated her belief
that "any man who watches 168 football games in a year should be declared legally
dead." After the Thanksgiving holidays I only have three games left.
O.D.'d on Pumpkin Pie
Roaring off my dietgobblingthe gobbler on Turkey Day, I began the long sports
weekend innocently enough. Moved to the verge of eloquence by the cold
goodness of a dozen frozen daquiris, this innocent journalist was only vaguely
aware of the L.A.--Detroit game as he dazzled his friends with his tried and true
Milton Berle routines. Later that afternoon the Buffalo- St. Louis game was
punctuated by the writer's hilarious anecdotes about his misspent youth in West
Texas. It was halfway through the Georgia - Georgia Tech clash that the
blearyaeyed humorist interrupted his in-depth-analysis of the virtues of the M-16
to make another sandwich, and noticed that he was completely alone, talking only
to the television set. I realized instantly the need to get out of Austin.
Chug-a-lugging caffeine and floor-boarding my dinosaur, I roared into Houston
leaving tire tread and startled villagers in my wake-all without the use of a
Citizen's Band. My arrival at Cosmo Bill s house corresponded with the kick-off of
the Texas- Aggie game. The sight of a freshman quarterback seemed to enrage
the rude A&M defense. Texas was, once again, totally amazed by a nine-man
defensive front.
Sports Orgy-Friday
Once the College Station Catastrophe was over, Cosmo and I filled our flasks
and headed for the Summit. The Summit is the 15,500-capacity sports complex
built by the citizens of Houston so they wouldn't have to brave the wilds or the
ghetto around Hoflieinz Pavillion.
Friday night the Summit was the site of a hockey game between Houston's
defending WIlL champs (The Aeros), and the inept Edmonton Oilers. The
Suununit, with its unobstructed seating and twenty:foot television screens, is a
trip; but the trip to the Summit is a journey through American surreality.Parking
underground, one needs to be a spelunker to reach the Summit. One thousand
novice hockey fans were winding .their way through halls and tunnels, striving
for the top. The leader, an orthodontist from Waco, absent-mindedly made a
wrong turn into a hotel lobby and his army of fans mindlessly followed. An alert
exterminator from Fort Worth sized up the potentially destructive force of a
panicked crowd, and held his hockey ticket high over his head as he led our mob
back onto the right track.
Hockey is a fast, exciting game, but hardly worth $5.50 for the cheapest seats.
This game was highlighted by an injury to Gordle Howe, the Aeros' 48-year-old
super star who has two sons playing on the team. Howe, who wears the title
"President" on his jersey instead of his name, was struck on the side of the head by
the hockey puck. Collapsing in a pool of blood, Howe was carried from the arena
while the bloody ice was scraped into a gigantic cherry snowcone and vacuumed
out of sight. Although it was announced that Mr. President was out for the night,
0]' Gordie skated back on the ice and aggressively body checked his younger
opponents. The Aeros won 6-4. The Summit sells beer and mixed-drinks.
We escaped the hockey crowd m time to make it to a local bar to watch the
closing minutes of the UCLA - USC game and to move the balls around a pool table.
Six sporting events in two days and just getting loose.
Sports Orgy-Saturday
Sunday morningwas uneventful except for a wonderful plate of migas. At noon
the long awaited Cincinnati - Houston game brightened the T.V. room. As usual
the Oilers blew the big one. The Cowboys followed with a sleepy slopper over the
G G_ nts. Finally the Sabbath was saved when Washington and Minnesota put on a
great show. The Vikings trailed 21-0 at the half, but rallied to take a 30-24 lead with
1:151eft in the game. However, salty old veteran quarterback, Bill Kilmer, passed
the Skins downfield while taking a terrific beating. Kilmer hit Frank Grant with
the winning toss with 9 seconds left in the game.
Suddenly it was over. Sunday night and no sports on T.V. or live. I had to have
one more game; a coach's show would be o.k.; even a rerun of the Knute Rockne
story wouldn't be too bad. But nothing, nada, not a bleeding thing! The very fiber
of our culture was crumbling. Cosmo Bill had developed a twitch. I realized that I
was considering reading a book. Finally a vision ! "Weed !" Not the drug, the movie.
Don Pastorini, the Houston Oilers' glamorous quarterback, and his very visible
wife were starring in a film called "Weed." Oakland lineman Otis Sistrunk
(University of Mass.) also had a small part. It wasn't really sports, but it would do.
Curly Culp summed it up best: "I ain't much of a movie critic, but I think Dan did
better in his movie than Namath did in his."
As it turned out, the flick was a complete dud--except for Otis Sistrunk blowing
up the Narcs with a grenade. My thirst for sb orts had been satisfied. In fact, I
realized just in the nick of time that I was drowning.
Return to Hipsville
Gasping for air in the stagnant Houston atmosphere I headed back to Austin.
Driving from Houston to Austin at night with no lights is a'real challenge. Once
again I survived, at least physically.
Suffering from disorientation, culture shock, and a voice in the back of my mind
that kept singing "Eugene Lock should be governor of Texas" - I sought help.
A six pack of Treefrog helped a little. The voice changed to "Wienerschnltzels
$.59, Chili Dogs $.75." It was then that I learned of the Psychic Flu that is sweeping
the country. A strange bearded fellow explained to me that various experiments
in mutating bacteria had produced a mutant that affected the psyche of millions of
moderately innocent Americans. The only cure or prevention is writing the
number 7.777,999 on a piece of paper and wearing it next to your skin. After
every bath, the paper must be replaced. For five days now I have faithfully worn
my number. Never before has mymind been so free of clutter, like ideas, thoughts,
etc.
Travis Redfish, ever the cynic, theorizes that the wearing of the number is a
definite symptom of psychic flu rather than a cure. Redfish may be correct.
However my flibble and geld never previously so harmoniously cloppety-clopped
across the dandy onion patch.
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Bouncing out of bed Saturday, I barely got the T.V. on before the Army - Navy
game tarted. Luckily we only had time to endure a few minutes of the Pentagon
Bowl before dashingofftothe Astrodome to witness the Longview - Conroe clash.
Longwew, top-ranked AAAA team in the state, had given up only one
touchdown before this game. As expected, Longview shut Conroe down in the
first quarter and took a 14-0 lead. However, Conroe dominated the rest of the
game. Trailing 14-13 with only one minute left in the game, the Tigers' star
fullback lost a fumble on the five yard line. Longv ew ran out the clock. The
fullback sat alone on the bench dwarfed by the cavernous dome.
Leaving the Dome, we had plentY of time to drive past the For Lease sign_ "_m_
front of'"The Chamber of Torture and shoot back to the Summit for a basketball
game.
The Houston Rockets looked good beating the Philadelphia 76ers 99-98. Super
star George McGinnis, a man mountain with more moves than Tina Turner, cost
Philadelphia the game when he was called for goal-tending at the buzzer. Rocket
Fast Drive-thru Service for
the Coldest Beer in Town...
(or try our Beer Garden...
Pitchers $1.75/1.25 during
Happy Hour) l i!! :iii:iii Oiiiiiiil
: ii!i!i SPECIALS i i i i ii:i ii:ii: i:! i! ii !i:ii i!i! ili
i!ii :i:iiiiii] Pearl Longnecks $1.15 4.29
tickets start at two dollars. Lone Star Longnecks 1.25 4.39
!iiiiiii I iiiili!iii!iiiiil
After the game the Summit management gave the crowd a bonus by. showing
theForeman-Frazierfightonthebigscreens.TnLSstmlelt ane ° _unemtnelas Buckhorn Quarts .49 (Cold) No limit i
of the Alabama- Auburn contest before the Indiana - UCLA, basketball game
started.
It was astonishing to see UCLA get blown_out of the gym. It was even more
astonishing to see players slide around the floor, suppery n-om gne perspmng
